Something lost is found
I found a pathfinder on the Erie Canal that I made when I was at University at Buffalo, getting my MLS, or Masters of Lunkhead Studies for those of you that don't know. Nah, I'm just kidding. Its amazing how life can change you in just a couple of years. In the last five years I have:
Needless to say, I am exhausted. However, as my husband likes to continually remind me, I am not unhappy. In fact, I don't think I've ever been happier in my life.
I just wish that I spent some of the time doing all these great things with friends. I don't really spend time with people other than co-workers, my husband or my child. I know this is going into that danger zone all blogs have to worry about.
(1) graduated from SUNY Geneseo - June 2001
(2) married Jeff Kyle - August 2002
(3) graduated from University at Buffalo - December 2002
(4)bought first home - March 2003
(5) started my first librarian job at Parma Public Library - May 2003
(6) first job goes full-time - August 2003
(7) acting director at Parma - August 2003 (until Sally took over...)
(8) buy first brand new car - November 2003
(9) brought Buster, our first dog, home - June 2004
(10) first child is born - March 2005
(2) married Jeff Kyle - August 2002
(3) graduated from University at Buffalo - December 2002
(4)bought first home - March 2003
(5) started my first librarian job at Parma Public Library - May 2003
(6) first job goes full-time - August 2003
(7) acting director at Parma - August 2003 (until Sally took over...)
(8) buy first brand new car - November 2003
(9) brought Buster, our first dog, home - June 2004
(10) first child is born - March 2005
Needless to say, I am exhausted. However, as my husband likes to continually remind me, I am not unhappy. In fact, I don't think I've ever been happier in my life.
I just wish that I spent some of the time doing all these great things with friends. I don't really spend time with people other than co-workers, my husband or my child. I know this is going into that danger zone all blogs have to worry about.
BEEP! BEEP!
Danger!Danger!
BEEP! BEEP!
Okay, so I am. But, one of the most important things in the whole world for me, besides a loving husband and happy baby are friends. I like to have people to talk to, to hang out with and drink coffee or to do all those stupid things that are silly when you do them alone, but fun if you do with with a couple of other girls. It gets worse because all around me (maybe because I'm looking for it) I see people who have a really tight group of friends, and I get to watch from the sidelines.
I think that a little of this stems from seeing how my parents don't have many friends and they really only spend time with eachother. I think that if something should happen to one of them (if one of them should die) and not the other, it will be ALOT more devistating than if they had a close group of friends. I love Jeff with all my heart, but I would like to have the option of someone else's shoulder to cry on. Please don't get the wrong idea, I do have friends, I'm not a total outcast. But it always feels like there's a distance between us. They don't see the world the way I do. Those people that I think I do see a connection with... we aren't all that close and I don't want to force myself upon them. Then I'd be a total tool. Life can be so very complicated, but its so simple. AIGH!
...On an interesting and sad side note, I know that we decided that we were giving Buster up, but it was still strange to see that he was available on the website. It made the whole thing seem more real and depressing. I think its better for everyone involved that Buster is going to a new home, but I still feel weird and horrible.
posted by Cathy Kyle @ 10:02 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
I don't really know what I am supposed to say to this comment. At first I thought I might just delete it, but I am so very befuddled by it I decided that I would leave it here. As far as I know it has nothing to do with my post on how I feel overwhelmed with life and I am questioning things about myself. But maybe the comment is just over my head. Who knows.
I have posted comments on other people's blogs, but I try and make sure that they have something to do with what is being said.
momster--Don't worry.Kids sprout up really fast...then you have more time to go out with friends(and also more time to worry about what the kid is up to;]Meanwhile,you do what you can.
hey dootie pants! don't we count? last time i checked you had a couple of shoulders to cry on CALLED YOUR SISTERS!!!!! I think we've drank enough coffee at Starbucks to kill multiple people with overdoses of caffeine! (mmm...venti white chocolate mocha espresso with extra shots of espresso) I know that it's different because we are sisters and not unrelated friends, but for me at least, if I had to tell someone who were my bff right now I would have to say you and Jenny.
Truly in my opinion most of those "tight knit" groups are lying to each other. They pretend to hold some kind of need for each other but mostly it is just jealousy, competition, reminiscence of past times that brings them all together. All of the "friends" that I have ever had, I made in school and then once I left that school, I never really talked to them again. I feel as if this is just the cycle of life for me. I start in a new place, I make friends, then I leave them. Maybe that's why I feel it is so hard to fall in love and why it seems so depressing to leave college soon. Unlike you I do feel like a total outcast because I always have to start over again. I am almost to the point where I probably will just give up. Most if not all people don't see the world in the way I do, but that's not why people are shunned from me. Our views are a part of who we are, it's what makes us special and that's why people want to know us, at least for a short time.
Life is supposed to be simply complicated, understandably confusing, chaotically ordered. That's why it's called LIFE. We have to live it with the good and the bad. Sometimes the consequences of our choices are not to our liking but they're there no matter what we do. And we must deal with them. We just have to remember that we can't do or have everything that we want unless we change ourselves to gain that desire. Once we have changed ourselves then we have already lost something of our former self.
Remember that the law of conservation of energy states that nothing is created or destroyed, only transfered. Thus when we gain we lose and when we lose we gain. So even though you may think that you are losing out, the world is gaining the knowledge of such a special person.
Hi Cathy - I can sympathize because I am a new mom too (Dec 2004) and I was actually pregnant at the same time that you were. I found your blog through some personality type site - we are the same Myers-Briggs personality type.
I was reading your blog every so often and then *poof* no more posts! LOL! And I know why - pregnancy takes a lot out of you. Glad to see that you are still blogging.
Anyway, since I'm a few months ahead of you on the mom thing, I can say that it does get easier and you will be able to do more as time goes on. Of course, you probably have yet to experience separation anxiety (7-8 months is when it starts) from your baby. So I suppose I should say that first it will get worse and then it will get better.
Don't wait for it to get better before you begin, picking up where you left off in some arenas and starting over in others.
One of my childless friends said that when her friends have babies she feels like they have joined some secret world that she is not privy to, where people talk about nipples and new teeth. You've got to make your friends feel that they are still interesting to you, and keep in mind that they may be feeling like they don't know how to connect with you now that you are a mom.
Some of this is about finding your new place in the world, since you may not fit in with your old friends as well. I am still figuring all of this out for myself. But I think that until I figure out who I am, including the mom stuff, I will continue to drift along in some areas. Becoming a mom has left me with a different "center" (not to mention center of gravity). And I'm still not sure where that center is. Anyway, if you want an email pal I don't mind - you can click on my name and so forth.
Life is hard. Kids are hard. You are entitled to feel how you feel, if that means you are lost for a minute or need to cry your eyes out do it. I am a mom, and I love being a mom I love my kids but sometimes I feel alone and overwhelmed, and that is just how it is. I take a minute for me and get out how I feel, go for a long walk with a friend or sometimes just cry in the shower and let the water wash it away. This too will pass. Tomorrow we can be better. Tomorrow we can savor the minutes that one day will be gone. But for a minute or several, let it out. You can do this. I also added the stress of building a home https://www.drhorton.com/north-carolina/charlotte/mooresville/meadows-at-coddle-creek I am excited but barely holding my head above water. Hang in there!
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